Article of the Month: 10 Steps to Healing Betrayal
Every relationship will go through some kind of an Integrity or Trust issue that will lead to a feeling of betrayal. There are several ways to look at it and many ways to deal with it. If it not addressed, then it will continue to gather stress that will harm the relationship become an even bigger issue. This is a long term process; and I describe relationship healing by using this formulae TRUST = Consistency/Time.
You, Your Partner and as a Couple you must explore -
1. What Happened? What are the facts according to each partner? Remember, two people can experience one incident entirely differently, so don’t make this about who’s right or wrong. Acknowledge each person’s feeling, story and point of view, even if you don’t agree.
2. What feelings and thoughts does that trigger up for each person? How did each person react? Often, due to negative childhood experiences, feelings and reactions revert back to old, child traumas and experiences leading to childlike ways of reacting to a situation. These reactions are best explored with a Counselor or Coach. The bottom line is – you need to examine if your reaction was a healthy one, and if you are able to communicate through the issue to compromise on a solution best for the couple as a whole.
3. What old childhood wounds or stories does that connect with? Once YOU understand your automatic reactions that come from childhood, you can start to change them. You cannot change what you do not understand. Once you understand them, you can choose another way to react. Also, your partner will start to understand your sensitivity issues from childhood, and treat you with more compassion when there is a conflict or misunderstanding. You both will learn new ways to communicate and react with love, not fear.
4. What is each person's internal or external part in the situation? Who did what? You need to each admit where you might have done something wrong, and apologize for it. Being able to say you are sorry shows a very High Level of Character – it shows you are willing to admit you made a mistake or a bad choice, and that you are sorry it hurt your partner. Partners who are quick to apologize and forgive (with proper feeling and emotion behind it), have the happiest and longest relationships. Those who have to prove they are right may win a battle – but ultimately – lose the war – and their partner!
5. What internal triggers need to be released or healed? (Self forgiveness, resolving rage, etc?). Each person is responsible for acting maturely and growing past their childlike behaviors and ways. You must first start by forgiving your past, your parents, and yourself – to Love who you are as a person, so that you can love another fully and completely. Counseling is excellent for this type of growth.
6. Where does the situation sit on the needs, wants, requirements, and core values list to determine whether it is solvable or unsolvable? These lists are a part of Singles and Couples Coaching. We will do these worksheets together in your coaching sessions so that each partner is aware of their individual needs, wants, requirements and core values – and how those lists might match what they currently have in their relationship. When one strays too far from these items on their lists, they start feeling the relationship does not match their core needs, leaving them unsatisfied and unhappy with their partner.
7. What is the new vision or are there any adjustments to the old vision? What would each partner like to see happen? What would each partner need to move forward? This vision is that of each individual and that of the relationship. We need to discuss what happened to break down the relationship and what exactly is needed to build it back to a stronger, happier, and more fulfilling union for both people.
8. What external steps need to be taken to fulfill that vision, individually and jointly (Action plan). We will make an action plan that you both will be responsible to. You each will have things to work on and we will discuss your progress and growth in each Coaching session. An infraction can actually make a relationship stronger and more loving, if both partners are committed to change and growth – with no blaming or excuses!
9. What needs to happen on an ongoing basis, internally or externally (new stories that need to be released, new practices, positive self talk, therapy, coaching, meditation, self care, new way of seeing life and self, continued work on letting go of what happened and the meaning of it, and behavior changes). These will be discussed and listed, with specific goals set for change – in each partner and in the relationship
10. What was the gift received as a result of this experience? (This may not be clear early on, as one has to process the anger and hurt and it takes time to rebuild the trust. ) Over time, the couple can reach a deeper level of trust, integrity, intimacy, friendship and communication style. You will learn the importance of the concept – “It’s you and me against the world!” Your relationship can become stronger and more loving then ever – by finding the good out of a bad situation, and being determined to each make positive changes to ensure that the negative situation will never happen again.
The above questions were posed on the Relationship Coaching Institute’s web site. The responses to each question and introduction was written by Riana Milne.
Riana Milne, MA, LPC, LCADC, Licensed Relationship Coach for Singles and Couples
By the Sea Enterprises – 7028 Ridge Ave, Egg Harbor Township, NJ 08234
Phone – 609-601-7884 Website: www.RianaMilne.com
Email: info@rianamilne.com – or – TherapybytheSea@gmail.com
.........from the Relationship Coaching Institute Training Manual
In the beginning of knowing someone, very often because of the "chemistry" and the excitement of dating someone new, "lust blindness" often clouds our vision and you disregard the blantent red flags - the warning signals that this person has issues or behaves in a way that is not right for you.
Do this worksheet honestly - and add up the points - does this potential partner have too many red flags? Be careful not to fall in love with someone's potential. After doing the worksheet, either have an honest conversation about your concerns with your new partner, or seek a Coaches advice as to what to do next.
In today's world, it is too costly (both emotionally and financially) to have a bad marriage or failed committed relationship. A coach helps you to have a solid foundation in which to find a quality partner who is best for you.
I am a Certified Singles and Couples Coach, trained by The Relationship Coaching Institute, and I would like to help you. Email me at info@rianamilne.com or call me at 609-601-7884 to arrange an office or web cam appointment.
